Conflict between people is a fact of life and can occur in all level of interactions- between relationship partners, within family and among friends. It is important to manage interpersonal conflict in order to maintain a long lasting and rewarding relationship. However, managing interpersonal conflict is no easy task. Conflict can be productive if it is handled and resolved using effective communication techniques.
This week blog post features an example of interpersonal conflict between both my parents and me. Being the only child in the family, I have experienced different types of interpersonal conflict with my parents.
An example will be their high expectation of me to excel in my studies. Since my secondary school years and up to junior college, I have been excelling both in my academics and extra-curricular activities. Everyone, including my parents, teachers and relatives, thought highly of me and felt that I will become a very successful man in my later years.
However, this reality of becoming a successful man in the future seems to have become a faraway dream ever since I was in NUS. My academic results have been not been up to par to my own expectations if compared to my previous academic results and my passion for extra-curricular activities has slowly dissipated into thin air. The permanent negative slope on my computed CAP score over the three years in NUS really makes me frustrated and depressed at times.
The conflict arose when my parents attributed my deteriorating CAP score to the fact that I have a girlfriend. They think that having a girlfriend during schooling years (this include university) will do more harm than good to my studies. Having a girlfriend (to my parents) can be distracting to my pursuit of knowledge in the university. I have tried to explain to them the various reasons for my deteriorating academic results but they will always assert that it is the “girlfriend” factor that does the damage.
Are there any other better ways to convince my parent that there are other factors that can affect my academic results other than the “girlfriend” factor? How can I convince my parents that having a girlfriend has its own advantages as well?
7 comments:
Hey Danny, I think your case applies to most of us. But rather than thinking of other factors that affect your academic results to convince your parents, why not work even harder to show your parents that even if you are attached, it doesn't pose any threats to your studies? To solve a problem, you have to source for its roots.From what I see, your parents are really concerned about your academic performance, so the best way is to work on your studies. If you are able to meet their expectations, I don't think they will find fault in your relationship, and probably you don't even have to rack your brains to think of ways to convince your parents that being attached has its own advantages. =)
Hey Danny, besides using your academic results, maybe you can try talking to them about the differences in University life and secondary school or JC/Poly life? By letting them know that being in university is totally different from previous school years, they may be more understanding of your situation. Also, you can try letting them see the effort that you've put in, rather than showing only the results. After all, I feel that the process is more important than the results itself. Because we, as NUS undergraduates, understand that effort is not proportional to results. And I feel that parents should understand this too.
Hello Danny
You must have been having hard times with your family and your girlfriend too! Your girlfriend may be going through a tough time as well. I have been viewed as the 'not-so-good-girlfriend' by my ex-boyfriend's family before.
While you are working on your academic studies now, perhaps you can improve on your behavior when you are with your family? Parents sometimes don't really understand our thinking, and what they perceive of us is how we act to their nagging and how cooperative we are when they ask us to do something. If you are always there for them and start to have more fun together, they get to understand you more.
Hello Danny, I guess we are facing the same problem. Parents getting overly-worried about our time management and results. From my experience,I attempted to communicate and assure my parents that I will balance my studies and relationship well. Probably, they arent aware of the competitiveness in NUS and the reasons for the unsatisfied results may be due to it.
Being sandwiched in between your parents and girlfriend is definitely a tough nut to crack, but I'm sure as long as we prioritise our time and make an effort to bring them together through communal activities, parents will be understanding.
Danny, parents are just overly concerned sometimes. Their point of argument has got sense in it but it is almost always exaggerated. If your parents feel that your girlfriend is the cause of your falling grades, why not get your gf to come home and study together with you? My point here is to show your parents that it is actually the ferocious competition we face in NUS rather than a relationship. Im sure you have already done your best in your academic studies and at the same time already managing your time well enough. So use some non-verbal skills to show them you know what you are doing. Strive on dude, just believe in yourself that you have made the right choices.
Having said all the above, I am curious about if excellent grades and excelling in CCA equates to being successful. Its not true in the past, but is it becoming true now? Is that's why many kids are attending piano lessons at age of 6?
One of the interesting facets of my opportunity to travel, live and work in different societies is learning about the way that people, individuals and groups, think, the way they view the world they inhabit, they manner in which they interrelate with others. I find your story fascinating, Danny, because it is so simple, and yet it shows something very profound: how strongly your parents view education and how much hope they place in the success of their son. This story could just as easily appear in other societies, Japan, Portugal, the US, but it's hard for me to imagine parents in those countries even mentioning a girlfriend. They might mention a student's propensity to party too much, or work too long in a part-time job, but a girlfriend?
Thanks for this. It's clear, concise and very interesting!
To Huiling,
Thanks for your comments on my blog post. I understand where my parents concern come from. I have been getting good results when I was in my secondary schools and junior college. However, my results was not on par when I get to university. I guess I was trapped on the "transition" stage and was kind of like having a culture shock. Anyway, it was in the past dy. =)
To Xiaotong,
I agree with you that the process is more important than results. I am feeling better after realising that results are really not proportional to efforts. Thanks for your comments.
To Seaming,
The relationship between my parents and myself have improved a lot. I believe that communication is the problem between my parents and myself in the past. Thanks for commenting.
To Jiahao,
Thanks for sharing your experience as well. The relationship between my parents, my girlfriend and myself have improved alot. Initially, my parents thought that I am still young and the relationship that we share is frsgile. But my girlfriend and myself have proved them wrong. They now know that we are really serious with each other. =)
To Tom,
Thanks for your encouragements. I believe that is was the education system in Singapore that is focusing too much on grades and credits. And the competitiveness in Singapore have sparked parents to send their children to various courses even at 3 years old!
To Brad,
I guess every country have different culture that shapes minds and thoughts. Thanks for sharing Brad.
Thanks everyone for commenting.
Cheers,
Danny.
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